The perfect soap

Who doesn’t love a big squirt of cream on their chest in the morning?

Well, nowadays we don’t have much choice. Like so much in …

The perfect salad

The time? One p.m.

The place? The Soho branch of Whole Foods Market – that shiny, sanctimonious US bastion of bourgeois food porn – …

The perfect posture

Back in my inglorious days of thespian gadaboutery, a particular acting exercise haunted me for weeks. The inevitably rotund and chenille-wearing dance tutor, short …

The perfect tan

Yes, we know.

The perfect tan is of course an untan; a snowy and virgin dermis unpenetrated by UVs A or …

The perfect asparagus

First, let’s get the wee thing out of the way.

You have to learn to love it, that grassy, glucosey, honey-sulphur …

The perfect punctuation

When you look, it literally stops your breath.

It is a little dam in the relentless gush of being; a tiny …

The perfect jam

Of all my jam-based fantasies, the one involving the cold kitchen floor and the corset has always been my favourite.

There …

The perfect parting shot

It is occurring somewhere in the world right now. In bedrooms and corridors, parks and cars, kitchens and meeting rooms, our maws give it birth. …

The perfect morning

Two lungfuls of chill-edged canal air, shot through with the sharp edge of spring, the sweet incense of exhaust, and the rank basenote …

The perfect mother

On pootling, pewter-skied sort of Saturday afternoons, I often find myself washing up in the National Gallery, a slip of London driftwood needing the brine …

The perfect jeans

Jeans shopping is an odyssey of transformation, illusion and shame.

Despite the well-tested knowledge that this path will bring me no joy, I cannot help …

The perfect socks

It was an outfit that whispered sophistication; that grinned naughtiness; that glanced at passing trends with a playfully unovine eye. It combined a soft, oversized …

The perfect foundation

So you don your satin cone-bra Gaultier overalls, scoop your hair in a Wolff and Descourtis for Liberty’s scarf, …

The perfect bread

Bread has always been a symbol of transformation. The simple yet seemingly magical chemical process of yeast to feast represents the evolutionary metamorphosis from beast …

The perfect watch

Watches are inherently masculine.

Oh yes they are.

The manifestation of a linear worldview captured behind glass, they are professional compartmentalisers: consistent, relentless, …